Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Power of Grief

Last night I was updating my music on Windows Media Player. I had several songs that were either named "unknown" or "track 1", etc. As I was renaming the songs, I came upon one of Mom's favorite songs. She loved "I Could Have Danced All Night".

Grief is a powerful emotion. I had no idea when one says that one's heart aches, that the pain can be physical. When the song came on, grief swept through me like a silent tornado, and my heart actually ached. It hurt so much, it frightened me. I had to pause to realize what was happening. It is true, one's heart can literally ache from grief.

I cried on and off today. My dad calls me almost every day. He was so cute today when I told him how much I miss Mom. "Well, we know where to find her." he said. I thought about what he meant, then he said, "We are going to visit her grave on Memorial Day, right?" We have it all planned out. Rick and I are going to pick him up from Christy's home, and we'll go visit Mom's grave together.

On a happier note, I am so excited, because Mom's wedding ring is now on my finger. Mom's ring was a size 4, and my finger is almost 11, so we had to add some silver to the bottom half of the ring. We took it the original jeweler where Dad bought her ring. It has a spectacular diamond that glitters beautifully, and I worried that if we took it to another jeweler, we might not get the same diamond back. The jeweler is an hour's drive away, and Rick had to take two trips before he was able to pick it up for me. I haven't taken Mom's ring off since I got it. It is my lucky charm, my little piece of Mom.
"As i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)" ee cummings.

Please don't worry about me. I believe the grief I am experiencing is a normal thing. A rite of passage, I guess. As Rick said a while ago, I am very lucky to have someone to miss. Grief is powerful. That, anyway, is what I have learned.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

All I Can Say

Peggy Hansen
1930 - 2008

All I Can Say

by the Dave Crowder Band

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet