Thursday, December 4, 2008

Calm Before The Storm

Every morning I turn off the phones so I can catch up on the sleep that I missed the night before. Yeah, I know, I live like a bat. However, for the last two months, I've kept my cell phone next to my bed just in case something happened to Mom or Dad.

This morning someone called me, and I didn't dare answer. I turned the sound off, but accidentally left it on vibrate. My cell phone vibrated against the night stand periodically, to remind me that I'd missed a call. While I tried to sleep, my phone must have vibrated at least a dozen times. Every time I heard the vibrations, I felt sick inside, but could not look at my phone. I didn't sleep, but I also didn't get up.

It was just a good friend sending me a good morning text. No emergencies. But every time the phone rings, I feel sick inside. It is like we are all in a state of limbo, waiting for Mom to die. I don't want her to die, I'll miss her terribly. I also hate watching her suffer. My sister told me that Dad called her at 12:30 AM last night to say that Mom had an accident in her bed. Mom would not get in to the bath, or let Dad clean it up, so my brother-in-law had to go clean up her bedroom this morning. It was a huge mess. It is so frustrating because when we send help to the house, Mom and Dad send them away. Mom pitches a giant fit. I know it is because she is afraid. Then Dad gives in, and no one but me or Christy is allowed in to the house.

So do we put her in a care center? If we do, my mom will definitely tantrum out, and will need to be restrained and sedated. When she was hospitalized earlier this year, I had to stay with her round the clock for three days, and even then she kept crying to go home, and was terrified every time a doctor or nurse came in. My wish is that she be sedated at home, where she can die in her own bed. Having moderate medication would calm her enough to allow health care workers to help her. We tried to get hospice to come to their home, but since Mom does not have a terminal illness, she does not qualify for this service. Christy and I are hoping that we can just pay someone to go in every day and make sure Mom is calm, clean, and safe. Dad does not have the physical strength or mental capacity to take care of Mom by himself.

I wish I had the strength to go help her every day. It drives me crazy to be stuck at home. We went to visit her Tuesday evening and I got so dizzy and nauseaus, I almost fainted. Probably from just having surgery. I felt so sad when I had to leave, knowing that time is running out for me and Mom. And yet, at the same time, time is moving in slow motion. I don't get anything done. I'm just stuck in the calm before the storm.


Trish said...

You are such an incredible photographer I think you should put your feelings and worries into pictures. They will be an incredible gift to pass on to your grandchildren after your Mom is gone. Plus they will help you remember the happier times. I LOVE YOU!!!!!

MMack said...

Hang in there girl. Somehow things always work out. I read in the Engign today from one of the rally old Apostles that he and Bro. Wirthlin have lived long enough to see there are cycles in life -- good, bad, prosperous, depression etc. The cycle always moves on and the Lord gives us strength to stand. Plus you can always call me and I can bring you over the chocolate I simply cannot eat because it makes me throw-up right now. Someone should enjoy it. :)

Huntington Home said...

I have to say you are an amazing lady and I love you to death and I am always here for a shoulder or and ear.. It will all come together I love you Nancy