Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Power of Grief

Last night I was updating my music on Windows Media Player. I had several songs that were either named "unknown" or "track 1", etc. As I was renaming the songs, I came upon one of Mom's favorite songs. She loved "I Could Have Danced All Night".

Grief is a powerful emotion. I had no idea when one says that one's heart aches, that the pain can be physical. When the song came on, grief swept through me like a silent tornado, and my heart actually ached. It hurt so much, it frightened me. I had to pause to realize what was happening. It is true, one's heart can literally ache from grief.

I cried on and off today. My dad calls me almost every day. He was so cute today when I told him how much I miss Mom. "Well, we know where to find her." he said. I thought about what he meant, then he said, "We are going to visit her grave on Memorial Day, right?" We have it all planned out. Rick and I are going to pick him up from Christy's home, and we'll go visit Mom's grave together.

On a happier note, I am so excited, because Mom's wedding ring is now on my finger. Mom's ring was a size 4, and my finger is almost 11, so we had to add some silver to the bottom half of the ring. We took it the original jeweler where Dad bought her ring. It has a spectacular diamond that glitters beautifully, and I worried that if we took it to another jeweler, we might not get the same diamond back. The jeweler is an hour's drive away, and Rick had to take two trips before he was able to pick it up for me. I haven't taken Mom's ring off since I got it. It is my lucky charm, my little piece of Mom.
"As i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)" ee cummings.

Please don't worry about me. I believe the grief I am experiencing is a normal thing. A rite of passage, I guess. As Rick said a while ago, I am very lucky to have someone to miss. Grief is powerful. That, anyway, is what I have learned.


Trish said...

Nancy!!! You need to come to the movies with me and Nelda!!!!!

MMack said...

It is powerful and it hits without warning. I had no idea it was physical pain either but there have been days I cannot breathe. You can make it though. I used to make fun of Bella in the Twillight books when she would wrap her arms around herself to try and hold herself together but I get it now.

TimmFam said...

My cute little Nancy! What a sweet post. I know how much you love and miss your mom. I know she is watching over you and everything will be okay! Though grief is hard, how wonderful to have loved so much and you will see her again. Love you!